slightly left of center thoughts

I have yet another project to finish but I chose to loll around surfing the net and improving my friendster blog! What a waste of time…but I am such a sucker for wastes of time.

Nothing is so special that calls for a think tank this morning. Today is in fact a very ordinary day, with the exception that I can foresee a brewing storm this afternoon, when I will have to cram with my work again. Tsk, tsk some other professional peers of mine would think of me as an unprofessional wannabe upon learning of my methods. Har har har! But hey, I’m still learning. Anyhow, this is part of my planned practising.

No honestly, my biggest problem lies in my self-discipline. I think I have a very minimal supply of that virtue in my body. Yes, very minimal, I am always out of stock. (another har har har har).

Now that I know about my weakness, isn’t it time that I start addressing it? Should I not rethink about my whole past and then start a slow and gradual change with myself? Should I not start a self-improvement program that will soon transform me into a new person, (just like a caterpillar turning into a butterfly, har har har)? Nay, I’m feeling too lousy to begin today…har har har har… (this laugh is courtesy of my friend Harhar as in Harold hihihi) Shucks! What a nonsense.

Damn it! I really am not this lousy, maybe it’s because of hormones. Maybe not. I don’t know. I’ll think later…first I have to finish this damned project…

What a nonsensical ending to a complete waste of time and effort. Then again, this is practice.

i was totally beaming last night! somebody of angelic nature told me the words that I’ve been waiting to hear (to read rather). you can’t imagine the feeling =) … it’s like winning first prize in a raffle hehe… every drop of sweat and every frown that creased my forehead was not wasted after all.woohooo! it was worth it. thanks, now im ready for the fight (aja!) …

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Then again, my other (read: pragmatic) side kept me from beaming too much. Ever heard of the saying, "sadder but wiser". it’s more like me - and the rest of the pessimists in the world. we don’t have distorted views of reality, we see things as it should be and not as something that will make us feel better. therefore, instead of celebrating, i thought of readying myself for the next tough challenge. tough life indeed. so, is the glass half-full or half-empty?

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i guess more and more people are watching the korean soap, "Kim Sam Soon." it’s like the Asian Bridget Jones. it’s really fun watching the lead, maybe because i’m beginning to have this premonition that i’ll be an old maid someday. whatever happened to the good-looking, intelligent, funny and sensitive (not to mention, uhm, financially stable) guys in the world?????? or am i just dreaming? there’s no such guy in the world…sniff, better to be alone then…(joke, i take it back)

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now there’s an interesting part in "kim sam soon." in her conversation with cyrus/xyrus, she is wishing that she’s special. do we all have that hidden dream of being special? as in special. well, i do.

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i was surprised when my friend, rizza asked me about my blog. then i read the comment of my friend andy who also read my online diary. im … busted. someone is reading my blog!  well, this is for them. thanks a lot for the encouragements. and good luck to you guys. we are all writers and poets and dreamers in our own private domains. =)

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actually, im writing with no particular inspiration at all…id like to call this ’surfing the creative wave’ (whatever!imbento…) it means that im writing whatever comes to mind. so if again there is someone reading this, please, just bear with me..

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fin. adios! =)

my mom is worrying about my ‘excessive‘ drinking of coffee. uhm, i usually have about 5 to 7 cups everyday. that’s just fine, right?

you see, besides from rock music and prayers, coffee has been my companion during those moments that ive been forcing myself to hold on, repeating to my self over and over that "hard will make you great, doreen." coffee was with me on those wee hours of triumph or frustration..coffee i’ve been sipping on those times when my parents and the rest of my friends are luxuriating in their sleep while i was single-mindedly pursuing whatever i am after, relying the future on coffee’s potent effect.

that’s why i can not give up on it…im a fan, an addict, a grateful dependent…

however, that’s not all to everything..

im beginning to have these anxiety pangs lately (warning to my friends who might read this: it’s not obvious, but i do get extremely agitated at times!! i just smile a lot, even if..) my mind is never calm. and i can not seem to focus on anything. for example right now, i should be doing something urgent and yet i chose to write nonsensical things about coffee first.

and most of all, my heart goes "thump thump thump!" everytime my i receive a text message..can it be the manifestation of the ill effectst that my mom is telling me? or is it just because my heart has finally grown weary? gosh, im losing it…

i need my cup of coffee…

people often think that there is something so cool in being ultra sleep-deprived. it is very much romanticized.it’s when you reached the point that you start losing your coordination and you start caring less of your surroundings. . .then you say almost whatever things you like and afterwards use your grave lack of decent sleep as an utter excuse (?!)…it’s like being ‘high’. and its pretty much like hell to me.

but thanks to some divine intervening powers. lately, im finally having a breather…yup, i still have my classes with my half-half students (half demon, half angel) and im still writing essays for clients with very demanding instructions…but, i dont know, im basically more relaxed. the pressure is finally ebbing, but then again, until when will i enjoy this glorious state?

i know. the pressure will rise again, until once more i reach the point of near-explosion. but for now, ill enjoy the moment. bask in the state of zen-like coolness. and love myself.

ciao!!

two weeks into the boxing ring and im still breathing! whew…

yes two weeks. i guess i’ve put up a good fight and i still am. in fact, i dont know if it will ever end: the endless hours of brain-numbing research (for my lesson or for a project), the aeons of sensitizing my few remaining brain cells to write a descent lesson or an essay, and most of all the emotional rollercoaster of success and failure…the last one was my worst enemy.

but this afternoon, despite the gushing wind and dark clouds, i’ll be out with my friends.bwahaha i deserve this, ive been good so i need a coffee in a nice resto with my kupal chums (*while puffing my fave…) atleast for a few hours i’ll feel self-gratified. and after that, back to the match again!

tata!

i’ve never felt this faint in my whole life…not even when i was going to deliver my speech in comm3, nor when i was to undergo the final rights of up bugkos, and not even when i was to do my make-or-break demo…just one text message..and all the strength i’ve been reserving in body for the whole week is gone..yes i am a walking time bomb, lately. and i’m praying, praying really really hard that these hell weeks will be over. i never realized that my strength is just, afterall, a veneer covering the real weakness within me…one blow and all the composure i’ve mustered blew to splinters…can i still take another one? maybe.i dont know.maybe not anymore.

why is it that just when one part of your life gets so rosy and happy, another starts to FALL APART?

today was my first day of teaching. God, ive been waiting for this chance, praying even. i thought that i can easily juggle two jobs at the same time. but as early as now i can see that i will eventually love one master greater than the other. i feel like ive just stepped into the front doors of hell (okay, an exaggeration..) but it was a pretty long afternoon! a fateful day indeed for a first time teacher. two hours of lecture left me DRAINED of my energy and enthusiasm. my feet were killing me! and most of all, due to the short notice of my appointment, i was ILL-PREPARED about the subject matter. i was supposed to discuss for four hours but i couldn’t talk that long. and out of the two hours that i met my class probably only one is relevant. i am marking this day RED on the calendar.

sorry to be so whiny. it is just that now that i am getting closer to my DREAMS, i’m beginning to realize that they are NOT what i have expected. now, i dont even know what i want anymore.

BLESSINGS, oftentimes, are disguised challenges waiting to test one’s endurance to the brink.

am i not grateful for the opportunities coming my way? sure i am. its just that i’m so lost right now - hanging in the middle of somewhere without the idea of what to do next. surely i wouldn’t be put in this pedicament if i can’t handle it. but its so damn hard…

doreen, just remember : HARD WILL MAKE YOU GREAT.

Now, stop this none sense and start strutting your stuff!

the cynic is now an ADDICT?

yup, that’s me. i just had this pining to write and write and write for no solid reason at all. writing has become an end in itself, without the need to be productive or to prove anything.  i don’t care about structures or norms or rules; this time i am FREE.

u see, writing is one of my professions . so everytime i strike the keys of my computer keyboard, i usually have a goal in mind. to finish a project. to earn.

but after the rediscovery of this freedom, it became once again an expression.a tool to explore my uncharted self. a channel to guide my energy and creativity [or weirdness, whatever is applicable]. and a means to calm my restlessness. . . it is like drinking  cool water when everything around me is hot. . .

at this point, im feeling better already.

i’ve just been shaken from my involuntary hiatus. HAPPY that i would be doing another project? yes (i’ve been praying for this!). SCARED? definitely! haha! once again,  i need to set my mind, to be organized, and most of all to be DETERMINED.

what is so extraordinary with this kind of unstructured work of mine (maybe some people can relate, if they ever took the pains of reading this mess)  is that every assignment is unique. there is no repitition of task and most of all, no routine. this is the kind of life that will keep me going. i am not caged into some organizational chart. the mission and vision i am carrying out are my own.

whew! i am just warming up for the pretty long work i need to do tonight. hehe…conditioning ba! so pano? tata for now! =)

I was never really a fan of blogging. Why post when I can always write in my old, tattered, personalized journal and pour my heart out the old-fashioned way? But then again, the world is becoming more complex each day…so even if i love the smell and feel of paper,  i figured, why not give this a try? anyway, new discoveries keep you upbeat, right?..hahaha now i can say that i am a late-bloomer in the blogger’s world. It’s never too late for anything!

Honestly, I really am a private person and its seems hard at first to give people a chance to peek into the recesses of my often disorganized and topsy-turvy mind. But hell! who says somebody’s ever going to read this anyway? It’s a total waste of their time hehe..

Tonigt, while I am listening to my fave alternatives, i just felt the blues..just out of nowhere it slowly sneaked on me.. i’ll tell you one thing: LATELY, MY DAYS ARE EITHER A FRIEND OR A FOE.

You see, this past few months I seemed to be so engrossed with how I should be running my life. I’m 23 going 24 this year. Must I have a clear-cut plan for my future? Well, i sorta sketched one, but I am not so sure if I can even fulfill half of it (stuffs like having a masters degree, then a phD, then having a display-worthy beau, get real doreen!!)..and sometimes i really get ‘depressed’ while browsing into my friends’ profiles..all of them seems so…NORMAL.

Can’t relate? its because i’ve chosen the unconventional path. i took the unstructured life, which only few people can understand. i guess it has also been the cause of my ‘musings’ lately.  My happiness now depends on whether i have a new project or not. my peace of mind depends on whether the clients have revision requests or none [their silence, i interpret as a sign of satisfaction with my work =)]. And most of the times, im just PARANOID.

mY friend joann told me that perhaps daw it’s about time i seek professional help, haha! ’so honest, a real friend indeed!

sigh,  i must admit this is really quite self-gratifying (heehee im so self-centered). i’ve exhausted some of the steam that is building up inside me.maybe on my next kadramahan session i’ll clear up some of the mess i created here. so pano ba yan, ciao!